Father of the Man

 

Intention is crucial in this life, even as we strive for adaptability. Many of us might crave the poise and balance of a dancer, moving with flow as changing circumstances require, but it’s also important to have purpose. To be mindful. We don’t need to have the bigger picture figured out, of course. Perhaps we only grasp the next few steps. The next few days, or even just the next few minutes. And that’s ok. It always hurts when we break, when we veer off track and our demons briefly get the better of us. But it’s important to catch ourselves as quickly as possible and not get sucked into self-punishment or shame-spirals. I’ve been there, of course. Most of us have, even if we don’t admit it. But it’s a waste of time and energy, being so harsh with ourselves.  In contrast, being kind about our own mistakes or lapses in judgment isn’t always easy, but it’s definitely worth the effort.

That’s what I’ve come to realise over the years. Giving ourselves grace during difficult times doesn’t have to be about making excuses. It can simply be a matter of contextual awareness and perspective. Self-knowledge is about many things, after all. Insight, sobriety, and a genuine willingness to understand where we went wrong. Our limitations, insecurities, and blind-spots. With that willingness comes the opportunity for actual growth in so many areas of our lives. For me, consistency in this process of self-discovery has been key. Exercise, meditation, journalling, and creativity of all kinds. The artist in me feels most content when I can keep that mind-body-spirit connection as vibrant as possible, even during my darkest or loneliest moments.

We sit so often with our demons and insecurities that we can quickly forget just how tenacious we are, or we gloss over it because our failures seem so glaring in comparison. We’re often our harshest critics. But we’re still here, aren’t we? Whatever state we find ourselves in, we’ve all made it this far. And positive change is always possible, however we choose to define it. For some, it’s climbing a mountain. For others it’s simply getting out of bed one more time. It can also be about deciding to no longer accept the bare minimum in matters of the heart. To start choosing healthy, mutually supportive relationships. Or learning to be alone again, at least until our insight has deepened. Our metrics for success might differ, but a win is still a win. What I’ve come to realise in my own journey is that I owe my vastly improved quality of life to that broken but tenacious version of me from before. He did the difficult first half, with just hope and commitment. He got up every single time he was knocked down. He didn’t have the energy, resources, or hindsight that I have now – and yet he never quit. He just kept going, kept learning, and tried not to punish himself too harshly when he didn’t meet his own expectations. His willingness to understand and grow was genuine. What I’m trying to say is I now have true momentum, confidence and swagger in various areas of my life only because that stumbling, inexperienced version of me kept showing up in the first place. Even when it was excruciating. I owe him, big time.

There’s a line from a poem by William Wordsworth called ‘My Heart Leaps Up,’ written in 1802, that has always stayed with me. The line reads: The Child is father of the Man. And progress is exactly like that. The past versions of ourselves who were brave enough to keep going, consistently learning and evolving – they’re the ones who birth the men or women we eventually become. We are profoundly shaped by our past experiences, both bright and dark. Also, pain is often a great teacher. Much as we might wish otherwise. So, knowing these things, it really is imperative to be gentle with ourselves. Most of us are striving even when we think we’re failing miserably. If we feel like we’re lost in unfathomable darkness, then it's all the more important to be reminded of the truth. That our future selves are built from every incremental win and insight. So, stay strong, dear ones. And remember, you don’t have to do all of this alone. Because if we’re genuinely willing to grow and move forward, then we shouldn’t be ashamed to also ask for a little help from the people closest to us. Our family and friends. Just reach out. The real ones will offer their assistance in some way. Begin each task with a spirit of genuine curiosity. You don’t need to know the entire path. Just move forward with grace and intention. And when you fall, pick yourself up, adjust as necessary, and keep going with a sense of grateful adventure. It won’t always be easy, or painless, but I promise it will eventually reap great rewards. Your future self will thank you; that’s for sure.

Happy New Year, my friends.

Wishing you all the best, and with love,

Raj.

The Clearest Sea

 

It's such a loaded, dangerous term: clairvoyance. The art of clear seeing, like water from the rock. Clarity in an opaque world. Many people don't want to believe it's even possible, especially in this numb, excoriated culture. It makes them nervous, I suppose. That certain souls might be able to perceive things through extra-sensory means. Things that some men would rather remain hidden. Because we live in a world of surfaces and secrets, don't we? A world in which the threshold between the sign and the thing signified is becoming increasingly bizarre. We’ve lost touch with the sensations of rain. The sounds and rhythms of the river. And the sea.

But there have always been empaths, intuitives and seers. Those immersed in the inner waters. They’ve been both cherished and hunted all throughout human history. Not only in Yarden's ebb, or the shores of HaGalil. But by the elect of Rome, Greece, and oldest Egypt. These adepts of the gnosis are still invaluable even today. To occult societies, illegal black projects, and private defence contractors alike. We often call them remote viewers now, among other things. Telepaths and telekinetics. Those who can move and manipulate the electromagnetic spectrum in the subtlest of ways. Particles and polarities. Shadows, or light. Because water is indeed our eye, as the siren sang. Most faithful mirror.

These days we craft modern legends around such visionaries. Sensationalised perspectives, often presenting them as heroes or demigods. But reality is far darker and stranger than our fictions will usually allow. Such souls are often haunted. Not just by khemet ghosts, but by both trauma and tragedy. It can be a lonely life, so I'm told. But also one of wonder and incomparable mystery. Water from the rock, as I said. Of Peter or Paul. Simon's bright shadow falling upon the sick, and making them whole. Dear ones, do not fear the Fallen. Their throne is an abomination – and a lie. There is so much they still don't understand. We are wonders. All of us. Children of river and rain, stillness and storm. I myself am only an angel, a father of the lowlands. But my daughter has three faces. She is fate, and the sea. The clearest sea. Just know that I mean every word of this, and that I bid you love and wisdom on this day, my shining solstice miracle. 

The Spirit of the Season

 

A shining moment of birth can become an arena for politics and death in the wrong hands. Like salvation hung upon the tree, crucified between two thieves. Living water flowing from the rock during the resurrection of spring. But instead these are solstice hours, full of hidden depths. A season of both comfort and education. Hope, breaking through into our realm during the darkest time of the year. A new light witnessed by both the humble and the elect. Men often speak of a star existing in that dreamlike space between earth and heaven. Annunciation of the heart's deepest wisdom. We give our hearts to those who genuinely love us, if we're wise, returning the grace and favour in equal measure. From peasant to prince. This coming moment of birth lives mostly in our imaginations now. But, as the shepherds and the magi both recognised, history is only the shadow of things dreamt. And Man has always dreamt of salvation. So, if the star is even more real than our sciences can grasp, then tell me -- what else might be true?

Mirror, Mirror

 

Pride is a strange thing, both literally and figuratively. It can make us fall from great heights, turning angels into demons. Or it can lift us up, providing an expansion of self-worth and a widening of what’s possible. Because there are different kinds of pride, aren't there? There's the ugly kind of vanity that comes with delusion and entitlement. Seeing ourselves as better than others, through some imagined metric that’s in fact an overwhelming aversion to self-knowledge.

I mean, there are actual reasons that vampires hate looking into mirrors. It's not because they cannot reflect, but because the act of self-reflection is terrifying. They don't want to see themselves. They would rather be distracted with endless, shallow novelties. Insight implies growth, of course, and change. Monsters and mercenaries are terrified of that kind of internal evolution. If they never look, they never have to face themselves. Better to keep feeding on the weak with their own eyes firmly closed, right? But that's how the human spirit is corrupted. How the soul darkens, becoming a twisted mockery of itself. Wings of heavenly light slowly burnt away, until eventually a nightmarish, thoughtless creature stands in the angel's place.

Then there's the healthy kind of pride. The satisfaction of a job well done. The true insight that comes with facing your fear, or accomplishing a particularly difficult task. Watching as you slowly develop a skill through dedication and practice. That's the kind of pride that makes us brighter than we were, not darker. When we move through the world with courage, kindness and integrity we are honouring love as the highest language. None of us are perfect or without flaws, but when we can display genuine love for ourselves and others – that’s the true grammar and syntax of the soul. 

What I’m trying to say is that we should be warmed by other people’s successes, not threatened by them. Because those small victories mean the good guys are winning, if only for those brief moments. We remain human in an inhumane environment. We protect what’s important, and honour it. That's when we feel closest to our Maker, and to each other. When we’re moved by another’s good fortune, or their hard-won wisdom. In this way we treat others with the compassion and respect we ourselves hope for. Today as adults, but also back when we were children. We all wanted to be uplifted, delighted and inspired when we were young, didn’t we? Protected, guided and mentored by those who were bigger and stronger than us. That's when our pride is earned, I believe, and genuine. When we're not only unafraid to look ourselves in the mirror, but when we can truly look ourselves in the eye – and like what we see. Because then we don't find vampires or fallen angels reflected back at us. Instead we find heroes and heroines. Imperfect, perhaps. But courageous. And real.

The Insight Academy

 

I’ve always had a strange romance with academia. In my early twenties I gave serious consideration to the idea of becoming a teacher. More specifically, I wanted to eventually teach at university. I very nearly took that path, but I had the vague sense that it wouldn’t really fulfil me in the way I wanted. I always had a love-hate relationship with that world. To this day I love stories about teachers. I love the settings, the aesthetic, and the content. So, there’s definitely an amateur academic somewhere within me. But I also hated the idea of being bound by someone else’s second or third-hand conventions. I hated the hypocrisy and elitism I sometimes noticed in those establishments.

I understand this combination of attraction and annoyance a little better now. At university, my teachers often told me I had both the passion and discipline to earn my PhD and eventually even become a college professor, but it wasn’t to be. I have this constant tension in me between freedom and formality. On the one hand I think of myself as having a somewhat bohemian spirit, but on the other I love literature, colleges, and the general rigors of education. But now I realise it’s the processes of creativity and communication that truly enchant me. That’s where my romance really dwells. Both creativity and communication can come in many forms outside the lecture hall. Realising this was incredibly liberating.

Until this recognition, there was a part of me that always felt like I’d sold myself short by not earning that PhD. Like I’d failed the romantic in me by not becoming the teacher that I thought I always wanted to be. Thankfully, this feeling has dissipated in the last several years. I don’t have to sacrifice my love of literature, scholarship, or communication. I can pursue those interests in my own way. I can choose to look forward instead of backward. I don’t need an academic setting or a doctorate to enjoy the process of sharing art and knowledge. I just need imagination, a bit of skill and a lot of patience. It’s so rewarding to feel that for the first time in my adult life I’m exactly where I want to be. I haven’t sacrificed anything essential. I’m proud of my choices, my creativity, and my personal relationships.

I’m far more mindful these days, and a big part of that mindfulness comes from cultivating self-knowledge. Knowing who you are, and why. This is the kind of education that can’t be bought, but it’s priceless. My romance with writers, literature and academia in general doesn’t have to end because I didn’t become a teacher. It can evolve, finding new avenues of expression. I love the process of cultivating and communicating insight. Sharing it with those who might benefit. It’s fun, and deeply engaging. I feel like I’m doing what I’m supposed to when I can share these things in any form. Especially on this blog. An informal insight academy, you could say. So, it’s in that spirit of insight that I want to share another video from The Oldest Magic series. I’ve really enjoyed making these new videos. It’s been a very illuminating experience for me. My last discussion was very personal and quite difficult to talk about. But in this video I wanted to explore something more joyful and upbeat. Mindfulness, romance in general, and all the ways they can enrich our lives. I hope it resonates with you, my friends.

Wishing you all the best, and with love,

Raj

Myths at Midnight

 

It’s strange. I came up with the idea for this blog in the winter of 2010, but I never really put that idea into practice until March of the following year. Initially, I envisioned it as a kind of online art journal. A place where I could post my early experiments with video collage, essays I’d written at university that I thought might be interesting to a wider audience, and insights about art, history and current events. It seemed almost incidental at the time. An afterthought. Not really something that would be an integral part of my artistic life. However, Amid Night Suns quickly grew beyond that initial premise and became one of my most important avenues for self-expression and psychological health.

I quickly came to realise that the various forms of creativity posted to the blog didn’t have to be perfect. They just had to be thoroughly authentic. To myself as a person, to the things occurring in my inner life, and to my outlook on the world in general. I think I’ve managed to honour that requirement as my skills and modes of expression have evolved in the past fourteen years. It’s kind of crazy to think about because the blog is even more meaningful to me now than it was back then. It’s really been a touchstone for me. A useful platform for contemplation and self-reflection. Even though I deleted much of the blog’s earliest content during one of my lowest points, I didn’t remove any of my video-collage work from my YouTube or Vimeo channels. You can still find that work today, if you’re interested. Hundreds of little pieces of art, of varying quality. So, be kind. I’m still learning!

I also reposted many of the blog’s key deleted pieces, restoring much if not all the work I’d invested so much time and energy into. I’m glad I did that because I was never ashamed of my creative process, my earliest work, or the mistakes I’d made trying to hone my craft. I was just in a very dark place and became disillusioned with the exhausting journey of self-discovery, not the work itself. I quickly came to my senses though and realized I shouldn’t abandon Amid Night Suns. It was created with good intentions and had served me well up until that point. If depression and melancholy were the symptoms of a spiritual malaise, then art and creativity were the cure. That and firm, loving friendships. By the sheer grace of God I have all these things in my life now.

This is all to say I’m supremely grateful that I was inspired to create a platform where I could express my interests and explore my depths without fear of judgment or censorship. Obviously, I’m aware that my work isn’t for everyone. Many people might find the things I post here too dark, too oblique or self-indulgent, and that’s ok. Like I said, I initially envisioned this blog as a kind of online art journal where I could establish a dialogue with myself. More specifically, a dialogue between the conscious and subconscious aspects of my mind. Amid Night Suns is largely a journey through the various depths of one individual’s imagination. The utility of that journey is yours to decide, my friends.

I just want you guys to know that I’m not trying to trick anyone here, or appear smarter than I am. I have no interest in maintaining a mystique, or some ephemeral allure that comes with distance and inscrutability. I don’t give a shit about any of that. I don’t mind if these recent videos humanise me in some way, or even highlight my vulnerabilities. In fact, I’d prefer it. Artistic ego and delusions of grandeur are not why I post the collages or the esoteric free verse pieces on this blog. I do it to change my normal register of discourse, to better establish a connection with my subconscious mind. In a way, it’s a method of ever so slightly altering my consciousness without the use of drugs. I sometimes use meditation and breathwork to assist me in entering that more symbolic realm of mythopoetic imagination.

Artists and thinkers have often engaged in similar pursuits. Most famously the psychologist Carl Jung delved into the depths of his own consciousness and documented the entire creative process in what has become known today as The Red Book: Liber Novus, first published in 2009. Many critics view this process of Jung’s as a kind of creative illness. Perhaps even a form of madness. To me this seems an overly grim assessment of what is just an expression of the fundamentals of creativity, storytelling and narrative in action. Poetic association playing out in real time, through the lens of one person’s imagination.

So, I see my own work as a plethora of stories, video-collages and free verse poetry pieces that all exist in the same ‘world’ - within a kind of interconnected personal cinematic universe. Or multiverse, if you prefer. The Midnight Multiverse (patent pending). But in all seriousness, this process of mythopoetic imagination has been a very deliberate and illuminating experience for me. I’ve gained so much insight and joy from my artistic endeavours here at Amid Night Suns. And I hope they have uplifted, entertained or resonated with you in some way.  I’m a big believer in the idea that, even if we create something like an online art journal primarily to express ourselves, art is most potent and useful when it’s shared in a spirit of genuine friendship and service. That’s what I’ve been trying to do here for the last fourteen years. To connect and help people in some way though my own little bits and pieces of self-expression. The art of others has got me through some very difficult times, and my life is all the richer for it. I hope my own modest efforts can do the same thing for you, my friends.

Wishing you all the best, and with love,

Raj     

The Inward Eye

 

In this video I wanted to use my affinity for the night-time as an opportunity to discuss more personal and esoteric matters. I’ve really enjoyed making these videos for The Oldest Magic series, but I felt called to speak about something deeper, and that’s the process of contemplation. I guess changing the way I post content on this blog has affected me far quicker than I thought it would. My intuition tells me that’s a good thing, especially if what I post helps someone out there in some way. Even if it’s just a single soul who really needs to hear these particular words, or simply needs to resonate with my kind of energy.

I’ll be the first to admit the idea of filming myself talking to camera was quite unsettling to begin with. Just the idea of putting myself out there like that unnerved me a little, but now I get the sense that I’m doing what I’m supposed to in terms of a wider range of creativity. So, I’ll trust that intuition. In this video you might hear me refer to another video that I filmed but never published to YouTube. It’s just me trying to get better at and more comfortable with this style of self-expression, so please bear with me.

But yeah, this is the most intimate and personal I’ve ever been on Amid Night Suns, and I truly hope the video is taken in the spirit of affection and friendship with which it’s intended. More than that, I hope my words bring comfort or insight to those who need it. If you’ve ever been through similarly dark times, as discussed in this video, I want you to know that you’re not alone. Things can get better. So much better, and brighter. They did for me, and for the longest time I didn’t think that was possible. But anything is possible with a little guidance, inspiration, and contemplation.

Wishing you all the best, my friends, and with love,

Raj.