Sometimes

Asha, please keep me safe in your heart.  There are days when a fallen angel can feel especially broken, even if they were able to brave the fates and feel a brief taste of home.  Today is one of those days.  The rain has been pouring all night and all morning.  My city of ghosts is grey today, like I once was.  I wish I could tell you that I feel stronger than ever, but I don't.  I feel particularly saddened and lost, yet still gladdened by that brief taste of home.  I listen to the swishing hiss of cars passing on rain-swept streets and I think of how exhausting it is to be a guardian in the city of Londinium.  Here is the unvarnished truth, sweet one.  John is tired.  Jack is tired.  Kay is really tired.  But not without purpose, or hope.  I will keep that briefest taste of home safe within my heart.  

   That look in your eyes.  

   Being everything and nothing to my girl is so heart-breaking for me.  And now I feel like my only place is this familiar shadow as I watch you swept up in the whirlwind of spotlights and cameras and deadlines.  Still, my beloved, I demand nor expect anything from you.  I want you to sleep soundly, safe in the knowledge that your friend's love, kiss and protection is given freely.  Without conditions.  A love story of demands and obligations is a story I want no part of.  You mean far too much to me for all that nonsense, sweet one.  I hope you know that.  I hope you know that every word I write in these pages is true.  The truth of an angel and the cadence of a poet, filtered through mortal tongue.  Made as comprehensible as the innermost can ever be in this fallen, corrupted realm.  I can't know everything.  About you, or them, or us.  

   But I know many things.  

   Many secret things.  

   And I know in my heart that we will always be connected in a very special way, no matter what life throws at either of us.  Sometimes we tiptoe, sometimes we run, and it’s ok.  Asha, it's ok to be scared, or overwhelmed, or nervous.  You have taken on so much for one so young.  Looking beyond the limits of your own life, to better the earth and its people, hoping to leave a legacy of love in your wake.  Trying to offer strength to those warriors who can't yet fight for themselves or each other.  Sounding the rallying cry to those who can.  

   It’s breath-taking. 

   I say to you now what I should have said when I had you so briefly in my arms.  I love you, and I'm so fucking proud of you.  I will remember your skin, Asha, and I'll drink from those beautiful hands when I'm feeling lost and lonely.  If I cannot die as your lover, I will do everything in my power to die as your friend.  My Vahishta, just keep me in your breast.  That’s all you need to do.  Live with passion and honour, and perhaps a little mischief for good measure – and know that your friend is always beside you.  There might be days or nights when he feels closer or further away, but never will he leave you stranded.  If these darkened wraiths thought it was easy enough to kill a king, or a queen, they had better think again.  They've never truly witnessed our home.  The place that lives within a kindled heart.  The truly magical place that we are slowly bringing back to life.  An ocean of leaves amid the branches, seeds like stars in the soil, and a love that weds earth and sky.  The pain is only temporary, my sweetheart, and Kashi will never kiss you coldly.