Centuries Ten

Asha, there are so many things I would like to say to you.  Words that have waited a thousand years.  Truths so old they became myth, then truth once more.  But I’m not sure where I would begin.  I would begin with the heart, I suppose.  I would hope to end there too.  With you, in spirit and song.  The words I can bear to share publicly I share here, while I still have the chance.  I can’t be sure of what tomorrow brings.  Where would be the fun in that?  For other things I wait patiently for a quieter moment.  A private moment. 

   In many ways I'm still the boy I used to be.  The lonely boy hunting monsters, forever wandering beneath midwinter skies.  In other ways I've changed, obviously.  I used to think I was gentler in my youth, that age and experience had darkened me terribly.  But now I’m not so sure.  There are kind angels peering into our world from the outside who have never lived as mortal flesh.  They know nothing of what it means to exist with tainted blood in their veins.  Sour winds swirling in these hollow cultures of the fallen.  I know it terrifies many of them.  The thought of existing here.  Those bright ones often judge mankind a little too harshly, despite their open hearts and good intentions.  But it's easy enough to do, isn't it?  To judge from a distance, without the knowledge of experience.  It's another thing entirely to walk with those you attend.

   I realize now that even as a dreaming youth, armed only with poetry and the fragmented memories of an angel, I was far too cynical of the mortals around me.  The shallow gestures that seemed to pass for romance in their eyes.  I understand now that memories of Ishkara and Empyrean made me judge my mortal kith too harshly.  Still more angel than I’d reckoned, I suppose.  I’m far less cynical now, having learned from my experiences.  But those fragments of Ishkara still keep me from everyone.  

   From family, friends and lovers. 
   Lovers come and go, sweet one, but they are not my heart.  I try always to be warm, playful and thoughtful, but I know none of them can stay forever.  It's painful but I see no other way to exist here now, unless I choose complete isolation.  And there’s only so much loneliness I can take.  But I can't talk about who I really am, can I?  What on earth would I say?  Would I begin with dreaming and magic and falling angels?  Would I speak of wraith-priests, burning cities and bleeding kings?  Most people fear the sound of my Father's drums when they hear them, regardless of how open-minded they claim to be.  So I'm silent.  It’s better that way.  I walk and work and live in silence.  

   These days the silence feels louder than ever.  

  Asha, as a boy I never imagined love could be so intricate.  The lost angel and the wounded man trying to find mutual rest within the same tired flesh.  At least my skin is no longer at war with these wraiths all around.  Small mercies, I suppose.  Beloved, as a young man I quickly realized that my heart already belonged to someone.  A shining thing from my dreams.  A girl I never truly expected to encounter in the real world.  But I searched for her nonetheless.  I searched for my heart again. 

   Miraculously, I found her.  

  So, if I were to die tomorrow I think it would be a worthwhile death.  Because I fought for what mattered to me.  But I have no plans to leave yet.  If my Father is willing I want to stay here for as long as possible.  Not because I like it here, sweet one.  Far from it.  I want to stay simply because you are here.  And you are everything to me, as I would hope this gate and these visions attest.  Vahishta, I was with you on that day you drowned and rose again.  I soothed you, held you.  I hold you even now.  I want to give you every gift I can.  A prosperous, exciting, joyous life.  What else is love, if not gifting your beloved with passion, genuine care and ultimate freedom?  

   Hear me, Little Wing.  

  I love you too much to demand a single thing from you.  Mine is to serve my girl as best I can, to show her incalculable wonders.  To hold her heart as delicately as possible.  I want to watch you wield your magic with ever-deepening skill, Asha.  I’ll enjoy our secrets if and when they come to me.  There is no need to rush, or be afraid.  Not with me, sweet one.  I am your friend and guardian until death.  I promise you.  There is nobody else on this earth who could take your place.  Not in Kasi's depths.  Fathoms and years, my wild one.  A thousand to your name.  Consenting to be wrecked upon your kiss.  I’ll cherish my friends and lovers for all eternity.  I’ll love and fight for them always, honouring them in every way I can.  But here is the truth, forevermore.  No matter who shares my bed there is only one soul that claims the depths of my entire heart.  My Vahishta’s soul.  Asha, Asha, Asha.