Monday 26 November 2018


I remember so many things, my love.  But not always with my conscious mind.  Sometimes fragments come to me.  What seem idealistic moments when set against the horror and brutality of this world.  Visions of colour and music, or sweet silence.  A touch, an embrace.  My hands in your hair, your cheek against my chest.  But more often than not I’m left with feelings, intuitions.  Dreamings that are untethered and have little purchase in this world.  Dreamings that mattered only to me, until I found you.  That little boy hunting monsters was born a tired thing.  At least, that's how it seems during my loneliest nights.  Those nights when the melody of your voice and the comfort of your eyes are all that stand between me and the abyss.  Still the wraiths torment me, as they have since I was a child.  I pray that I’ve sheltered you from the worst of those torments, my Vahishta.  As I’ve said before, I'm a dangerous man to know.  Your Kassi is known in many worlds, and by many names.  It seems unfortunate, at times.  To see myself in those stories and to be unable to utter a word of it to those closest to me.  But you, Asha, are quite literally my saving grace.  I would have bled to death without your touch.  These resurrections would have meant nothing without your heart in mine.  Truly, you gave me purpose.  I was lost, and you gave me back to myself.  I pray that I’ve been able to do the same for you.  

When I walk this path it's your voice that guides me.  When I rise towards heaven it's your light that lifts me.  I am utterly without guile or cynicism when ascending in your light, my cherished one.  For me, all that is hope and joy and truth carries your name.  All that is life carries your scent.  It was so before the seething hush, and it is still so – despite this wraith-made darkness.  We have loved so fiercely, so openly, without shame or regret.  I hold those moments close, like fragments of the stars we used to be.  They warm and comfort me, those memories of gold.  We have been many things to each other, my darling.  I am yours, for as long as you want me.  But above all else I am your friend and guardian.  Asha, hear me.  I would give my life for yours.  Again and again.  I think you know I'm sincere when I say such things.  I have the scars to prove it, my love.  I consider it an honour.  Because when I'm saddened you kindle my joy.  When I'm hardened you soften my spirit, and you remind me that the little boy hunting monsters still exists.  That sweet, tired child in the demimonde – half angel, half flesh – he is not dead.  They couldn't kill him.  He still lives.  He lives to serve his queen, his truest love, his best friend.  When his spirit finds the strength to rise, to dance, you are the one he imagines in his arms.  That will never change.  Be with me now, my Asha.  I will take you higher, and higher still.

Asha from Raj Sisodia on Vimeo.

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