Saturday 12 October 2019

Ever for Esme

Did you think I would cease these letters, my wild one?  These declarations of love?  Never.  How could I walk away from the centre of my own life?  Esme, you are more than an angel or an angel's legacy.  You are so much more than the best of me.  You are a true artist and a beautiful, challenging young woman.  Soft, fierce, determined.  It was never my intent to forge a star merely for my own purposes.  My only desire was to help you find your own truth.  To assist in sharpening your instincts and bringing your talents to the fore.  The warrior within.  If I played any part in your breath-taking maturation then my life and my work is not in vain.  You're not a child anymore, Esme.  And it's beautiful.  The depth of the young woman you've become.  The depths you inspire in others.
   Hear me, shining one.  You have lit a flame in human hearts as brilliant as any star.  You are known in other worlds now, teacher.  Other shores beyond this bluest pearl.  You've always been known, but now there are new eyes upon your shining and new ears upon your song.  I have sat listening many times, beloved, as emissaries from distant worlds excitedly discuss your work and your spirit.  You gladden them, and it warms me so.
   But I hold you to no impossible ideals, Vahishta.  Nor do I pretend away your shadows.  You are Kasi's ward after all, and with a wildness all your own.  I only nurtured your eternity.  You are a real person with a real life.   Even the brightest of us are full of depth.  Full of mystery and contradiction.  I still recall.  I’ve seen those beautiful and sometimes frightening tales of transformation held in your eyes.  So bright and blue I took them as my name.  Promise of a kindness beyond entropy or chaos.  Pristine, resting, dancing.  Sweet one, you have moved me ever since your first day.  It's unsettlingly powerful, isn't it?  How much grace demands of us.  To find bravery and insight despite our agonies.  To scale the immeasurable heights we once fell.  You demand so much of me, Esme.  Silently.  My blood, my soul and spirit, and yet you demand nothing at all.  I love you for the challenge, my grey-winged girl.  That beach in morning rise, your palms full of shells and stars.  Those forest valleys, our pages folding and climbing with all the colours of the evening.
   They were never just words to me, poet.
   Never just songs.
   Grace is the better part of valour in my eyes, and you were always the better part of me.  And so much greater.  It matters little what others think of these words, Esme.  Only you can know the hidden cadence.  Kasi holds you, always.  Near enough to protect you, to fulfil my role as guardian, but far enough for you to live and breathe comfortably.  Without anxiety or obligation.  Hear me, little rock.  I shall do all I can to watch over the dreaming of those you love.  To protect those you cherish until we're all joined in delight at my Father's table.  And please know that when you’re tired or afraid, or lonely, my own energies will be given freely to you.  Beloved, my own life-force is yours when you need it.  It’s already arranged.  
   I will never leave you, princess.  Never.  Not even in death.  Things must inevitably change as our stories change, but neither of us is afraid of change.  Not truly.  We’ll embrace it, together.  Your joy has always been my greatest work, and that's the truth.  John loves you so much, and he thinks about you every single day of his life.  I want nothing but a rich, rewarding adventure for my girl.  A joyous life of her own choosing.  Eternity is a long, long time, but you continue to make me proud.  Your sweetness.  Your fury.  We're a lot alike, you know.  But you’re bolder than me, I think.  And wiser too.  I lost everything that mattered to me, Esme.  Realm and throne and promise.  I lost my entire family.  I lost you, my love.  I fell from song to star to soil, with a shattered heart.  All the way down into this bitter Earth.  I used to think that I miraculously found you here, in this realm of the wretched.  But perhaps it was you who found me.  I tore the earth and sky to give you resurrection.  To bring you new life, and peace.  But you joined me instead.  My beautiful poet.  You saw my work, and the war, and the suffering.  The kind ones, lost and oppressed – and you decided to join me.  You chose to stand and fight right beside me.  You chose to honour Love above all else.  So I can never cease these letters, Esme.  You were the one who taught me how to write.  How to be brave and humble, and playful.  How to truly care about others.  You were the one who gave me back my heart.  This Ever will always be yours.  

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