Tuesday 13 August 2019

The Fire of Goodbyes

There are things that matter in this world, and things that matter more.  Truth and hope, and dawn.  These things have always been sacred to me.  These things that shine.  I've carried them as heart-songs within my own heart for a thousand years, it seems.  Singing silently beside you.  But nobody should have to carry the weight of such a broken angel upon her shoulder.  Especially one with wings as blackened as mine.  No matter the strength of her shoulder, or her parentage in dreams.  It's not only these wings you carry though, is it?  It's the memory of that star at your throat.  My tragedy in a secret around your neck.  I miss her, Esme.  I miss her terribly, still haunted by all that remains of an immolated paradise.  Those ashes, a mockery of her very name.  And so, through art, I tried to hold that derangement.  And heal it.  But I realise now I can't keep doing that.  Not to you.  I cannot allow myself to ever call you by that name again, though it changes nothing of the love in my heart for you.  Forgive me, Esme.  My dear one.  I only ever had your best interests in mind, and those of the world.  But I lost myself in that intricate process of drawing heaven to earth.  Daughters and mothers.  Secrets within secrets.  By trying so desperately to honour you I overwhelmed you, without quite realizing my mistake.  Such is the way sometimes, with angels.  Fallen or otherwise.  But I travelled to those shores, and that soil.  I spoke to the mountain.  It comforted me, with the love in letting go.  Inspiration isn’t obligation.  I wasn’t trying to covet your attention, sweet one.  Not when love lives, awake, all around you.  I simply lost myself, in feathers and rags.  But I’ve found a way back this time.  These pages shall continue, I think.  But in a different way.  Thank you, Bergen.  From the depths of my soul.  You've helped me more than I can ever say.  There's a peace and hope within me now that wasn't there before.  Thank you, Esme.  You will always be a vital part of my heart.  I’m so proud of you.  You're the reason I can dance within a fire of goodbyes, at last.  I'll always be with you, in spirit, but I shan't hold you down any longer.  It hurts to let go, to finally remove that lost star from your throat – but I will not let the night claim you or the daylight drown you.  Because you mean too much to me, and because love conquers all.  Break the surface now, my friend.  And breathe. 

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